Rules of the Girl World

In my twisted observations of life and the world, I’ve noticed that there is a lot of hatred between the female gender. I think there may be underlying psychological reasons in some, but I think many of these conflicts result from women who simply never learned the “Rules of the Girl World.” These uncomplicated suggestion may just solve a few social/personal problems and relieve some of the ever-present and tiring drama. (Guys: This will probably make absolutely no sense to you. Maybe you could call this the female version of the Bro-Code-which I have actually read. Some of it overlaps. But by all means, read on-you may learn something and gain a greater understanding of meaningless and trivial drama). These are things I’ve experienced, seen, or heard from other people:

1. Respect your friend’s significant other.
This is the most important one! While it is wrong to seduce any person that is already in relationship, you get extra Hades points if the person of interest happens to be involved with a friend, even if that friend is just an acquaintance. Even if the guy is beyond fabulous, he might as well not exist to you. So concentrate on that saintly effort to resist your horrible tendencies:
-Don’t try to hang out with him alone, or make a “group” gathering focused around you
-Don’t exchange numbers-for any reason
-If he does something nice for his girlfriend, don’t request (even jovially) that he do the same for you. That was a special, well thought-out gesture meant just for her. Don’t cheapen it by wheedling for the same.
-Don’t post on every single one of his Facebook comments. It is pathetic and other people will notice and dislike you.
-Don’t be overly flirtatious. If people around you think that you two are dating because of the banter exchanged, you should feel horrible and stop.
-It does not matter if you know him separately from another realm (school, work, etc.), he is not your exclusive BFF and you should be conscious there is a relationship with another person. (There are very few exceptions-but if you are wondering, it’s not you.)

Above all, respect the relationship! Respect that this person does not like you enough to be in the relationship with you. If you were that important to him, he would be in the relationship with you instead of her in the first place. Stop your pathetic wishful thinking and go bother one of the other six billion people on the planet.

2. Don’t steal clothes or steal outfits!!
If you have a friend that is near your size-don’t steal her clothing! Ask! Also, if she comes up with a unique outfit idea, ask if it is okay for you to mimic her creativity. Joan Rivers doesn’t screech “Bitch stole my look!” for nothing.

3. If you have a boyfriend that no one likes, that is a sign.
We understand that you may think he is a knight in shining armor. Your friends will realize he’s just an idiot in tinfoil long before you will. If there is something wrong with the guy or he is insulting to your friends, they aren’t going to want him tagging along at every little thing.

4. Never expose a secret
I understand that some may feel that their personalities have greatly increased in interest if they are the purveyor of the most recent juicy gossip. First, high school really does end. Second, never ever expose a secret a friend has told you. Even if the friend did not specifically say, “Don’t tell anyone,” make sure it is okay with her before telling people, who will just tell more people, who will just put it on Facebook.

5. Inside jokes are not explained to outsiders.
This is one of the awesome features of friendships between girls. Don’t cheapen or ruin it.

6. Never insult your friend, but never let them out of the house looking hideous.
Pretty self explanatory. But if the outfit isn’t the greatest, don’t wait until you’re already out somewhere to notice its not the greatest. Then your friend will just feel like a swamp monster the rest of the evening.

7. Never let a friend drunk dial or text or leave with some random guy.
She will regret it in the morning and start wondering why you didn’t help out. Everyone needs a douche patrol now and then. I once had to be saved from a short guy wearing Ugs and a furry top hat doing the Jersey Shore fist pump. What kind of friend would let you suffer that?

8. If a friend declares interest in a certain guy, he is off limits to you. (Unless she seriously okay’s it much later).

9. Don’t date a friend’s ex.
Just because you know where he’s been doesn’t mean it’s a safe bet. Plus, you may get smacked.

I’m sure there are many more rules, and there may be a Rules Pt. II eventually but these are just some starters. So next time a girl has her shoes off and has passed her purse to someone and is ready to kill you, think about these few simple rules. If you’ve broken any of them, you probably deserve what you’re going to get. If not, then she’s just crazy and good luck.
If you are one of those people who consciously choose to ignore these facts of life, you might want to be careful. This could lose you friends, potential dates, and the girl could be a card-carrying member of the Slap-A-Hoe tribe.

Christmas in the City! (I survived!)

I hope every one had a wonderful holiday. This Christmas provided a learning opportunity for me. (I know, what doesn’t?) I had never spent Christmas in the city before and I learned that the “holiday spirit” is quite different from rural or small town Oklahoma. Usually I purchase a survival kit of food right before Thanksgiving and avoid any and all public settings until after Christmas. This year I decided to bake cookies, and with no Betty Crocker heritage I owned no baking supplies. I made the trek out into the scary world...

Grocery stores are the most expensive places to get food. However, they are necessary on Christmas Eve to avoid the wrath of the swamp creatures at Wal-Mart.

People have road rage all year long. But during the holidays, people are much more maniacal, becoming incensed if your legal driving prevents their illegal maneuvers.

That being said, driving at this time becomes the Indy 500 with added hazards and penalties like that of medieval Europe. Left turns become an offense punishable by death. I have never made so many illegal U-turns in my life.

With all these commercials raving about the “holiday spirit” and the “time of generosity and giving,” I wonder what world they live in. I’ve never seen so many people angry and ready to kill in my life. And douchebag meters increase by 50%.

Living in a second floor apartment is wonderful if you want a private balcony, more security, and limited access from creepy people. But after a hard day of surviving in the holiday world, carrying sacks of groceries up stairs in a breezeway in a twenty degree windchill sucks. If there were an Olympics for consolidating groceries into the least amount of bags possible, I’d win.

For sanity’s sake, a bad day like that requires a good lunch.

Of course it’s raining.

Parking lots turn into hundreds of individual American Gladiator matches.

I wish I drove a tank instead of a new car.

It’s happened. For one day I became a stress baker.

If you only use your oven for frozen pizzas, you will not know that the heating coil is older than you until you realize it takes half an hour for a single batch of cookies to bake!

Lastly, Christmas should come with a day’s supply of Paxil. The holiday is so commercialized and idealized that people will normal lives become severely depressed when they realize their lives aren’t from A Christmas Story, A Miracle on 34th Street, the Coca-Cola commercials, or Norman Rockwell art. Those of us with slightly worse luck are pushed off the deep end, with some becoming suicidal. In closing, Christmas should be a relaxed day to spend time with whomever you love most. But, those of us living in the real world know that that will never be possible when there are hams and turkeys to be cooked, cookies to be baked, gifts to purchase and wrap, and necessary reminders that murder is illegal.

Thank you.