NEW BLOG ADDRESS

Hello all! I greatly appreciate the views and comments I've received from my readers! I've been posting new things on a new blog. I didn't have access to Blogger for a while and created this new blog. You can keep updated on: http://harleyquinnly.wordpress.com. Thank you-I appreciate all of you!

Rules of the Girl World

In my twisted observations of life and the world, I’ve noticed that there is a lot of hatred between the female gender. I think there may be underlying psychological reasons in some, but I think many of these conflicts result from women who simply never learned the “Rules of the Girl World.” These uncomplicated suggestion may just solve a few social/personal problems and relieve some of the ever-present and tiring drama. (Guys: This will probably make absolutely no sense to you. Maybe you could call this the female version of the Bro-Code-which I have actually read. Some of it overlaps. But by all means, read on-you may learn something and gain a greater understanding of meaningless and trivial drama). These are things I’ve experienced, seen, or heard from other people:

1. Respect your friend’s significant other.
This is the most important one! While it is wrong to seduce any person that is already in relationship, you get extra Hades points if the person of interest happens to be involved with a friend, even if that friend is just an acquaintance. Even if the guy is beyond fabulous, he might as well not exist to you. So concentrate on that saintly effort to resist your horrible tendencies:
-Don’t try to hang out with him alone, or make a “group” gathering focused around you
-Don’t exchange numbers-for any reason
-If he does something nice for his girlfriend, don’t request (even jovially) that he do the same for you. That was a special, well thought-out gesture meant just for her. Don’t cheapen it by wheedling for the same.
-Don’t post on every single one of his Facebook comments. It is pathetic and other people will notice and dislike you.
-Don’t be overly flirtatious. If people around you think that you two are dating because of the banter exchanged, you should feel horrible and stop.
-It does not matter if you know him separately from another realm (school, work, etc.), he is not your exclusive BFF and you should be conscious there is a relationship with another person. (There are very few exceptions-but if you are wondering, it’s not you.)

Above all, respect the relationship! Respect that this person does not like you enough to be in the relationship with you. If you were that important to him, he would be in the relationship with you instead of her in the first place. Stop your pathetic wishful thinking and go bother one of the other six billion people on the planet.

2. Don’t steal clothes or steal outfits!!
If you have a friend that is near your size-don’t steal her clothing! Ask! Also, if she comes up with a unique outfit idea, ask if it is okay for you to mimic her creativity. Joan Rivers doesn’t screech “Bitch stole my look!” for nothing.

3. If you have a boyfriend that no one likes, that is a sign.
We understand that you may think he is a knight in shining armor. Your friends will realize he’s just an idiot in tinfoil long before you will. If there is something wrong with the guy or he is insulting to your friends, they aren’t going to want him tagging along at every little thing.

4. Never expose a secret
I understand that some may feel that their personalities have greatly increased in interest if they are the purveyor of the most recent juicy gossip. First, high school really does end. Second, never ever expose a secret a friend has told you. Even if the friend did not specifically say, “Don’t tell anyone,” make sure it is okay with her before telling people, who will just tell more people, who will just put it on Facebook.

5. Inside jokes are not explained to outsiders.
This is one of the awesome features of friendships between girls. Don’t cheapen or ruin it.

6. Never insult your friend, but never let them out of the house looking hideous.
Pretty self explanatory. But if the outfit isn’t the greatest, don’t wait until you’re already out somewhere to notice its not the greatest. Then your friend will just feel like a swamp monster the rest of the evening.

7. Never let a friend drunk dial or text or leave with some random guy.
She will regret it in the morning and start wondering why you didn’t help out. Everyone needs a douche patrol now and then. I once had to be saved from a short guy wearing Ugs and a furry top hat doing the Jersey Shore fist pump. What kind of friend would let you suffer that?

8. If a friend declares interest in a certain guy, he is off limits to you. (Unless she seriously okay’s it much later).

9. Don’t date a friend’s ex.
Just because you know where he’s been doesn’t mean it’s a safe bet. Plus, you may get smacked.

I’m sure there are many more rules, and there may be a Rules Pt. II eventually but these are just some starters. So next time a girl has her shoes off and has passed her purse to someone and is ready to kill you, think about these few simple rules. If you’ve broken any of them, you probably deserve what you’re going to get. If not, then she’s just crazy and good luck.
If you are one of those people who consciously choose to ignore these facts of life, you might want to be careful. This could lose you friends, potential dates, and the girl could be a card-carrying member of the Slap-A-Hoe tribe.

Christmas in the City! (I survived!)

I hope every one had a wonderful holiday. This Christmas provided a learning opportunity for me. (I know, what doesn’t?) I had never spent Christmas in the city before and I learned that the “holiday spirit” is quite different from rural or small town Oklahoma. Usually I purchase a survival kit of food right before Thanksgiving and avoid any and all public settings until after Christmas. This year I decided to bake cookies, and with no Betty Crocker heritage I owned no baking supplies. I made the trek out into the scary world...

Grocery stores are the most expensive places to get food. However, they are necessary on Christmas Eve to avoid the wrath of the swamp creatures at Wal-Mart.

People have road rage all year long. But during the holidays, people are much more maniacal, becoming incensed if your legal driving prevents their illegal maneuvers.

That being said, driving at this time becomes the Indy 500 with added hazards and penalties like that of medieval Europe. Left turns become an offense punishable by death. I have never made so many illegal U-turns in my life.

With all these commercials raving about the “holiday spirit” and the “time of generosity and giving,” I wonder what world they live in. I’ve never seen so many people angry and ready to kill in my life. And douchebag meters increase by 50%.

Living in a second floor apartment is wonderful if you want a private balcony, more security, and limited access from creepy people. But after a hard day of surviving in the holiday world, carrying sacks of groceries up stairs in a breezeway in a twenty degree windchill sucks. If there were an Olympics for consolidating groceries into the least amount of bags possible, I’d win.

For sanity’s sake, a bad day like that requires a good lunch.

Of course it’s raining.

Parking lots turn into hundreds of individual American Gladiator matches.

I wish I drove a tank instead of a new car.

It’s happened. For one day I became a stress baker.

If you only use your oven for frozen pizzas, you will not know that the heating coil is older than you until you realize it takes half an hour for a single batch of cookies to bake!

Lastly, Christmas should come with a day’s supply of Paxil. The holiday is so commercialized and idealized that people will normal lives become severely depressed when they realize their lives aren’t from A Christmas Story, A Miracle on 34th Street, the Coca-Cola commercials, or Norman Rockwell art. Those of us with slightly worse luck are pushed off the deep end, with some becoming suicidal. In closing, Christmas should be a relaxed day to spend time with whomever you love most. But, those of us living in the real world know that that will never be possible when there are hams and turkeys to be cooked, cookies to be baked, gifts to purchase and wrap, and necessary reminders that murder is illegal.

Thank you.

Signs Things Are Getting Better

Okay, so I’ve been into trying new things and personal growth lately. I’ve decided to do something radically different and actually post a happy blog. It won’t be as entertaining as my usual bitter-ray-of-sunshine revelations, but happiness is a new existence for me. (Also supports my theory that the best albums are those written by heartbroken musicians). Don’t worry, I will still continue my usual writings, but a few rays of genuine sunshine may poke through occasionally. Ever hear the expression “the only way to go from here is up?” Well I’ve been in “the only place to go from here is happy.” This is my naked portrayal of the process. To my muse: I promised I would post this, here you are. Thank you.


Signs Things Are Getting Better

Daydreaming becomes not having to create dreams but just reliving the previous day.

Music again holds a strong meaning. Not as a way to survive, but a way to celebrate.

Before I felt like I couldn’t breathe, now I bask in delicious gulps of air-so much I feel lightheaded.

Instead of the nagging thoughts keeping me up, it’s excitement, laughter, and good times.

Instead of numbly floating through the day, everything warrants appreciation and has meaning.

Every day is a celebration.

I wonder why my face hurts and I realize it’s because I’ve been smiling all day.

My friends and family no longer worry if I don’t immediately answer calls and emails-they now see it as a good sign.

I look forward to going home, putting the Ipod on, and daydreaming.

Love songs no longer cause abuse to my radio.

I’ve become a bit of a restless daredevil-wanting to see all aspects of life and take risks.

My long lost friend Sleep made a reappearance.

Now that I can sleep, I don’t want to miss a second of being awake.

Restlessness is a curse. Why sit still when you can go out and live?

I can now get fully dressed and ready (in nice clothes, not yoga pants) in 30 minutes...if another person wants to see me.

I haven’t worn yoga pants regularly in a month.

Heaters are no longer necessary. ;-)

It’s harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning but for good reasons.

Bridal commercials no longer cause two days of resentment and a need of yoga. Instead they inspire a kind of morbid curiosity.

When my friends get married, instead of feeling worried or sorry for them, I’m genuinely happy for them.

When I can stand to let people in enough to know what city I live in.

Throwing caution to the wind.

When I break all my regular habits...on my own.

People continuously say that I’m glowing and I wonder if I’ve turned into a glowworm.

Everything is like the first time, and I can remember the thrills before the lessons learned.

I once again toy with the idea that things could work out someday. Even for me.

I don’t have to meticulously plan the future because I am happy with today.

I actually genuinely smile and laugh out loud.

I don’t have to fake happiness.

I’m ready to take on the world again.

I feel alive. I am alive.

More Dating Mistakes

Yep, more dating mistakes. These are ones I’ve experienced personally. Really.

1. Talking to me once doesn’t give you the right to call me baby and say you know me

2. Never ask a woman her height or age, especially on the first date.

3. On a first date, never ask if a woman is on birth control, just so you “won’t have to worry about it later.” Don’t worry about it, it’s never going to happen.

4. Never brag about all the people you’ve slept with. It doesn’t make me want to sleep with you. Instead, I get the compulsion to take a scalding hot shower and get a shot of penicillin.

5. Remember: “The truth will out.”

6. Okay, guys. Don’t bother lying. You always forget the lie and its details. And I have an impressive memory.

7. Never contact the other person’s family members via Facebook stalking when things don’t work out. It’s creepy, pathetic, and stalker-ish.

8. Does it really matter how much money I make? Does my paying my own rent emasculate you?

9. Just because I’m female doesn’t mean that I will automatically cook for you or have your children.

10. Pay attention to what your date is talking about. Otherwise I’m going to start talking about Taco Bell and spoons and see how long it takes for you to notice.

11. Don't start with the "I want to marry you" after knowing the person for two hours. It reminds me of Stephen King's "Misery.' I'd like to keep my feet attached to my legs, thank you very much.

12. I don’t care if the girl walking by has a nice rack. I really don’t.

13. Don’t pretend to be an expert on something you’re not. It tempts me to make stuff up, which you will later repeat and sound like an idiot.

14. Don’t mention your preference for blondes when on a date with a brunette.

15. I don’t want to hear about your Asian fetish. I’m not Asian, so it doesn’t concern me.

16. No means no. It also means I will throw you across a coffee table.

I’m sure I will have several “Don’t do this on a date” posts to come. People continue to astound me, but at least it makes life interesting.

Thank you.

The Price of a Master's Degree

Monetarily speaking, my Master’s degree didn’t really cost so much since I earned almost a free ride with academic scholarships. But I had to pay in so many other ways. And I paid.

First and foremost is the physical toll. Of course stress works wonders, but so does sitting bent over books in hard plastic chairs for hours and hours. I am now undergoing hours and hours of yoga to straighten my neck back out. For a while I thought that I had hindered my eyesight because after reading microfilm for days, I lost the ability to focus on things far away.

Speaking of stress, did you know consistent heightened stress lowers your immune system’s effectiveness at combating illness? I promptly got sick a few days before due dates and finals week every single semester. And then there was the semester I had the flu twice (nearly literally dying) when I dragged myself in pj’s, with blanket and tissue box, to class every night. Thanks to the swine flu, most classes now make allowances for sick days.

Aside from regular illness, stress also has odd effects on the body. I developed skin rashes, as did several of my classmates. My favorite was the tension headaches, which would leave me completely blind or without peripheral vision for hours.

Like sleep? Then turn the heat on the fry grease because college is not for you. At times, sleep deprivation reaches a point where some people wonder if you’re drunk, while your professors admire your work. I also discovered I can stay up exactly three day before passing out.

Think being a student isn’t a dangerous occupation? Sure, it’s not like being a police officer (unless you went to Virginia Tech a few years ago) but driving while sleep deprived gets pretty extreme. There’s also walking across campus dodging those riding bikes while reading and holding onto their Starbucks addiction. And oh the infected papercuts.

It is during graduate school that I truly discovered who my real friends were…fellow sick and injured students. Any existence of a social life disappears with the first class. Those who don’t attend school usually only last a month before they accuse you of ignoring them and cut contact. That’s okay-they weren’t able to keep up with your conversations anymore. Social time becomes the five seconds of conversation before and after class. Or the silence of five people studying at the same table. Facebook becomes the only way friends and family know you’re still alive. Yay human contact. But only will another student be able to walk in a room where someone is screaming and pulling their hair out and know nothing is wrong-there’s just a due date. One also becomes a hermit, telling other people they are dead until a certain due date. Or, I don’t exist unless there’s a fire, and it’s getting close but I still have time to grab my research.

So then comes the time you pass your finals and you have your degree. Time for a happy dance. Think your hard times and sacrifice is over? Think again.

Once you go out into the world, looking for that dream job, you find that there are no jobs. As the Ramen reserves run low, you then get desperate and look for any job. Proud as can be, you list “Master of Arts” at the top of your resume. And hear the should-be-illegal-phrase “you’re overqualified.” Jobs don’t want you because they think you want to take over or will want higher pay. I wish someone would tell those managers that educated people need to eat too. So, to survive, you leave off that degree you worked so hard for. Now you have a job you hate while you search for something better. (Welcome to Walmart, get your shit and get out).

Now that you’re done with the thesis, classes, and late night writing, time for a social life! Even that will be different. Most of your fellow classmates will either be in school and too busy or will have moved away. Try speaking to non-school people now. Your well polished articulation will have them staring at you like you have lobsters crawling out of your ears.

And as for dating, forget it. If you’re male, you instantly become a magnet for lazy directionless women looking for someone to support them and their many kids. If you’re female, mark your towels “Hers” and “Hers.” If single, try going on a date. Everything goes fine until he hears keywords, like college, education, Masters, thesis, etc. Men don’t like intellectual competition, which really narrows the fish in the ocean, unless you’re into lame sea cucumbers.

Speaking of lame sea cucumbers, if you were in a relationship during school, it will change too. The man that once made you hot chocolate during homework and bragged about your achievements will feel threatened. His friends will ridicule him for being the “lesser.” And he will change. All that time killing yourself to get through school quickly to be together and he’ll repay you by abandoning you the first second after graduation.

Oh the price of education. So why do we go to college and make these sacrifices? It makes us better people and helps bring an end to the mass hordes of “stupid Americans.” It gives us better jobs and a higher sense of purpose. There are many benefits from financial to cultural. Life lessons learned during this time are often the best and most important lessons of our lives. It’s the time you make your own choices and take charge of your own life. And besides, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Thank you.

The Art of Peacocking

Many people praise humankind as the most evolved and sophisticated life form on this planet. Always doubtful of that statement, this last weekend I received further affirmation that we really haven’t evolved as much as some would like to think, especially when it comes to modern day mating rituals. Welcome to the art of peacocking.

When in a social atmosphere of mixed genders, typically the men and women separate. As attraction occurs, the reversal of evolution ensues.

When women go to a club with a group of friends, they mostly just want to dance. Can we do that without a bodyguard? No. And I’ll tell you why.

As women are enjoying themselves together on the dance floor, the men start to gather and surround the area. They get this determined look, like they are selecting which type of TapOut or Affliction shirt to purchase, or which Axe man-spray they can marinate in. Many change their stance. (I call this the man-stand). They cross their arms to have that oh-so-careless look while checking that they can flex their biceps. (For a good example-think of Uncle Rico on Napoleon Dynamite.)

As they hover like lions gazing at nearby gazelle’s, they analyze each woman. Slowly. Once they’ve made their selection, they stare for a while more. Then they make their move. Cleverly, they sneak up behind their prey, and just start dancing behind them. After the woman is aware of the male’s presence, or is just trying to ignore the creepy guy hoping that he’ll go away, the guy grabs her by the hips and starts to grind. Either he attacks her from behind where she can’t get away unassisted, or he assaults her from the front, looking intense-like that will make her realize what a studly guy she has.

To get out of this really awkward and disgusting situation, a woman has to either tactically dance/maneuver between two friends and hope the guy can take a hint, cleverly assault his manlihood, or what I recommend, having a personal bodyguard (i.e. good friend) step in.

The presence of competition also inspires primal actions, and is where the name “peacocking” comes from. Upon accessing competition, whether it be from fellow single males or an apparent boyfriend/bodyguard, the men start to puff out their chests, walk with a swagger, (constipated penguin) and flex their arm muscles. This is similar to how males peacocks puff out their tail feathers to attract females and warn other males. How our species has come so far.

So, for the educational portion of this blog: listen up guys. Peacocking is not a good game plan. Staring at me like a stalker while I have a good time with friends doesn’t make me like you. Grabbing me and assaulting me with your denim happy boy parts doesn’t make me like you. Threatening a male friend/boyfriend doesn’t make me like you. Lastly, watching yourself flex, puffing your chest out, and walking like a constipated penguin doesn’t make me like you. In closing, for those peacocks out there, I don’t like you.

Thank you.