The Art of Peacocking

Many people praise humankind as the most evolved and sophisticated life form on this planet. Always doubtful of that statement, this last weekend I received further affirmation that we really haven’t evolved as much as some would like to think, especially when it comes to modern day mating rituals. Welcome to the art of peacocking.

When in a social atmosphere of mixed genders, typically the men and women separate. As attraction occurs, the reversal of evolution ensues.

When women go to a club with a group of friends, they mostly just want to dance. Can we do that without a bodyguard? No. And I’ll tell you why.

As women are enjoying themselves together on the dance floor, the men start to gather and surround the area. They get this determined look, like they are selecting which type of TapOut or Affliction shirt to purchase, or which Axe man-spray they can marinate in. Many change their stance. (I call this the man-stand). They cross their arms to have that oh-so-careless look while checking that they can flex their biceps. (For a good example-think of Uncle Rico on Napoleon Dynamite.)

As they hover like lions gazing at nearby gazelle’s, they analyze each woman. Slowly. Once they’ve made their selection, they stare for a while more. Then they make their move. Cleverly, they sneak up behind their prey, and just start dancing behind them. After the woman is aware of the male’s presence, or is just trying to ignore the creepy guy hoping that he’ll go away, the guy grabs her by the hips and starts to grind. Either he attacks her from behind where she can’t get away unassisted, or he assaults her from the front, looking intense-like that will make her realize what a studly guy she has.

To get out of this really awkward and disgusting situation, a woman has to either tactically dance/maneuver between two friends and hope the guy can take a hint, cleverly assault his manlihood, or what I recommend, having a personal bodyguard (i.e. good friend) step in.

The presence of competition also inspires primal actions, and is where the name “peacocking” comes from. Upon accessing competition, whether it be from fellow single males or an apparent boyfriend/bodyguard, the men start to puff out their chests, walk with a swagger, (constipated penguin) and flex their arm muscles. This is similar to how males peacocks puff out their tail feathers to attract females and warn other males. How our species has come so far.

So, for the educational portion of this blog: listen up guys. Peacocking is not a good game plan. Staring at me like a stalker while I have a good time with friends doesn’t make me like you. Grabbing me and assaulting me with your denim happy boy parts doesn’t make me like you. Threatening a male friend/boyfriend doesn’t make me like you. Lastly, watching yourself flex, puffing your chest out, and walking like a constipated penguin doesn’t make me like you. In closing, for those peacocks out there, I don’t like you.

Thank you.