The Art of Peacocking

Many people praise humankind as the most evolved and sophisticated life form on this planet. Always doubtful of that statement, this last weekend I received further affirmation that we really haven’t evolved as much as some would like to think, especially when it comes to modern day mating rituals. Welcome to the art of peacocking.

When in a social atmosphere of mixed genders, typically the men and women separate. As attraction occurs, the reversal of evolution ensues.

When women go to a club with a group of friends, they mostly just want to dance. Can we do that without a bodyguard? No. And I’ll tell you why.

As women are enjoying themselves together on the dance floor, the men start to gather and surround the area. They get this determined look, like they are selecting which type of TapOut or Affliction shirt to purchase, or which Axe man-spray they can marinate in. Many change their stance. (I call this the man-stand). They cross their arms to have that oh-so-careless look while checking that they can flex their biceps. (For a good example-think of Uncle Rico on Napoleon Dynamite.)

As they hover like lions gazing at nearby gazelle’s, they analyze each woman. Slowly. Once they’ve made their selection, they stare for a while more. Then they make their move. Cleverly, they sneak up behind their prey, and just start dancing behind them. After the woman is aware of the male’s presence, or is just trying to ignore the creepy guy hoping that he’ll go away, the guy grabs her by the hips and starts to grind. Either he attacks her from behind where she can’t get away unassisted, or he assaults her from the front, looking intense-like that will make her realize what a studly guy she has.

To get out of this really awkward and disgusting situation, a woman has to either tactically dance/maneuver between two friends and hope the guy can take a hint, cleverly assault his manlihood, or what I recommend, having a personal bodyguard (i.e. good friend) step in.

The presence of competition also inspires primal actions, and is where the name “peacocking” comes from. Upon accessing competition, whether it be from fellow single males or an apparent boyfriend/bodyguard, the men start to puff out their chests, walk with a swagger, (constipated penguin) and flex their arm muscles. This is similar to how males peacocks puff out their tail feathers to attract females and warn other males. How our species has come so far.

So, for the educational portion of this blog: listen up guys. Peacocking is not a good game plan. Staring at me like a stalker while I have a good time with friends doesn’t make me like you. Grabbing me and assaulting me with your denim happy boy parts doesn’t make me like you. Threatening a male friend/boyfriend doesn’t make me like you. Lastly, watching yourself flex, puffing your chest out, and walking like a constipated penguin doesn’t make me like you. In closing, for those peacocks out there, I don’t like you.

Thank you.

Things I Learned in Apartmentland

1. Orange juice tastes better in a margarita glass
2. Post office shipping boxes make great coffee tables
3. Bathrooms are the communication place for your neighbors
4. Singing makes your neighbors believe you have a loud radio
5. Couches fit perfectly over fireplaces
6. Washing machines never fit through the door of the laundry room
7. Cable outlets will be in the worst spot ever
8. Cable installation people just don’t give a damn
9. Make sure blinds are closed before undressing
10. I hate cooking but the kitchen is my favorite place
11. Don’t adjust the shower head while showering
12. Neighbors are vampires-they only come out at night
13. Forget diamonds…bath towels are a girl’s best friend
14. How awesome people are that offered to help me move
15. That without a dining room table I wander the apartment while eating
16. How many things can, will, and did go wrong
17. Taco Bell sauce fits perfectly in my silverware organizer
18. I don’t quite know what to do with myself
19. OCD increases exponentially with empty space and independence
20. It’s difficult to buy food for one person because there are no single people left on the planet
21. Old microwaves cause spontaneous combustion in potatoes
22. Washing machines dance and do a great impression of the plant from Little Pet Shop of Horrors
23. Lastly, true independence should be experienced by every person at least once in their life.

Common Dating Mistakes...Urgh

I always smile at websites or magazines that offer dating advice because I always believe they are commonsense issues that surely every adult person knows. Apparently not. So here is Tabby’s list of dating blunders.

1. Overly possessive.
Ok, it’s cute that you are excited to be with us but we are not property. You can’t brand us like cattle. If we are with you, we obviously want to be. There’s no need to call every five minutes, leave ten messages, and resort to extreme PDA and chest pounding in public. In simple terms: creepy, possessive, smothering, and jealousy bad!!

2. Oooh, you’re so scary
I get it, muscles and testosterone. There’s no need to start unnecessary fights, puff your chest out and walk with a swagger. It just makes me think of a gorilla. And am I attracted to gorillas? No.

3. No follow through
This one is very simple. When you say you’re going to do something, do it. This is one of the most common mistakes.

4. Expecting her to act like your mother
Some people are just nurturing creatures. Many will take advantage of that kindness, especially with cohabitation. I am not a mommy replacement so make your own damn sandwich.

5. Friends dictate your life
Your bros, wingmen, buddies, etc are important to you. I get it. But do they need to run your life? They are not relationship experts and most of them probably have never had one. Make your own decisions like you have a brain.

6. The threat of success
The best way to test a man’s commitment isn’t to gauge his reaction during a traumatic event. Check his reaction in the face of success. Anyone can deliver ice cream and make French fries, but many men feel threatened by his girlfriend’s success. Just because you’re a loser doesn’t mean I have to be.

7. Hypocritical standards
Adhere to your standards. What is okay for you should be okay for the other person. And remember what standards you set, because I will.

8. Not having your own life
Scientifically speaking, in the first six months of dating, dopamine and serotonin levels peak, creating a form of obsession with your significant other. Once you transition out of this phase, you feel attached to your partner deeply, but often begin pursuing interests that have fallen by the wayside. Just don't forget the step where you start persuing those other interests. Nobody likes a needy person or needs seran wrap.

14. Constantly bringing up the ex-factor
Talking about an ex a lot, regardless if positive or negative, sends the message the person is not over him/her. And unless you are looking to start WWIII, bringing up an ex in an argument as ammo is a very bad idea.

15. Treating others poorly
When dating, being rude to another person is a huge red flag. It isn’t impressive; I just think you’re a narcissistic psycho.

16. Inflated ego: Superman complex
While Superman may seem impressive, you are not him. When bragging about a big game or conquest, I wonder what he’s compensating for. When men get it into their heads they are an all important king, I get the strongest urge to prove otherwise.

17. Talk to me, not at me
When speaking, have a conversation. Don’t verbally kidnap the other person. They are an intelligent person and can understand verbal communication. Don’t talk to me like I’m five.

Lastly, stop enabling! They do this because we put up with it! If they couldn’t get a date, maybe, just maybe, that would make them question themselves.

Thank you.

The Danger of Education

This first blog serves as an overview of future rants.

When you start college, you are told of the numerous things you will take away from the experience. Greater intelligence, career opportunities, a resulting better lifestyle, and lifelong friends. No one ever mentions the other side effects.

I now find myself less tolerant of uneducated people. And by that, I do not necessarily mean people who did not go to college, although that tends to be the pattern. I mean those people who are unintelligent and have no desire to change that status. Those who believe everything they are told, whether it is from another uninformed person, or a common source of our society’s ignorance: local news, extremist groups, “Christian” missions, or the military. Offended yet? Keep reading.

The more education a person gets, the more difficult dating becomes. As a female, being intelligent instantly makes me less attractive. Although it is really fun to use multiple syllable words with an idiot to see if they pretend to know what’s going on or if they just look confused. Educated men are also instantly targeted by every surrounding woman who needs a baby daddy or someone to further their life dream of not working and watching daytime soaps.

Finding a job becomes more difficult. While in high school or during college, we work the worst jobs in fast food and retail, which are easy to obtain. After gaining an education, with the excitement that we will no longer be working late nights with vats of grease or biting animals, we find unemployment a lifestyle in hearing the dreaded phrase “you’re overqualified.”

After college, one realizes how the social life has suffered. You lost contact with high school friends after the majority of them hate you for never being around due to this unknown world of classes, tests, and responsibility. After college, you find these friends are on their sixth kid and on welfare or working a dead-end job.

I am not advocating for people not to go to college. I believe it should almost be a requirement. College serves as the catalyst for life changes for many people. Most, like me, may not be aware of these changes.

Thank you.